Fire Emblem, the TRUE story
by WeryJack
Summary: This is an exciting parody of FE7. RANDOMNESS and OOCness are ahead! Serra's still Serra though :P Rated T for violence and language. Review and enjoy!


Hello all! I've decided to start a Fire Emblem fanfic. This is a parody of the ENTIRE game of Fire Emblem 7, with Lords Eliwood and Hector, and Lady Lyndis. I apologize as school has started (grade 8 YEA, and YES I was 13 when I joined! LAY OFF ME PEOPLE! XD) but I'm going to do my best on this piece what with algebra and ecology and... (snore). SORRY! Anyway, I'm going to get this under way (get your popcorn!). I'm starting with the prologue. And this IS GOING TO BE RANDOM, so be ready! **This chapter is dedicated to my deceased cat, J.Puff and my new cat, Boots.**

_Prologue: Bored Girl of the Plains_

After waking up to a friendly face, the tactician wondered who it is. "I'm Lyn", says the young woman. They both hear something and rush out. "Bandits... those... those... GAH!" Lyn shook with fury at them. "I'll kill them ALL!!! One, I'm bored and two, they killed my tribe. Mostly the first reason though," she stated. Lyn ran toward a burly bandit who rushed her with an axe. She jumped and swung her blade into him, and a putrid smell clogged the air. "LOL n()()b YOU GOT PWNED!" Lyn yelled, and you stare in bewilderment at this language, he'd (the tactician AND bandit) never heard of 1337 (leet). The tactician just stood there and another bandit came and cut him.

"Oh... right lines... um... OWW!" the tactician said unconvincingly. Lyn slashed his chest and she smiled.

"I'm BORED! These are too easy!" she pouted. She charged the boss, Batta, and was smacked in the head with the side of the axe. Her eyes burned and she smashed the boss. Needless to say, when one is decapitated, they die. Lyn wandered through and seized the house. She then asked the tactician to come with her to kill all bandits and boredom. Obviously, the tactician accepted. A woman with a sharp pointy sword shouldn't be trifled with. They wandered until reaching a campsite and slept. Lyn woke up later and heard a terrible noise... like a dying bird. She rolled over and looked at the tactician in his sleeping bag to ensure he was fine. It was coming from him. She found a large stone and carefully knocked him completely out cold, stopping only unimportant things like the heart and brain. She checked and healed him with a Vulnerary and set out.

_Chapter 1, the perverted knight and the over devoted one... bah this is too long!_

Lyn and the tactician arrived at Bulgar, and purchased supplies. The tactician went to the inn for recruits and Lyn wanted to look at dangerous pointy objects and the arena. Lyn entered the arena and came out with large sacks of gold in a wagon. She made sure nobody would steal it, as she randomly killed a Laus soldier while walking past, then killed every single guard happily, as insatiable for battle as Karel. She was disposing of various bodies when two knights approached her. The one in red (Kent), introduced himself. Sain (the green knight introduced by Kent as well), kept trying to catch some type of cleavage, and eventually Lyn bitch slapped him. Sain had a large red mark and Lyn left in a huff with the tactician. Soon they found a clear forest, with some weak bandits to injure. Lyn jumped at the thought. She soon was outnumbered, and the knights came to aid her. Sain still wanted to catch Lyn in battle, so when she strode over to injure him, she was hit by an incoming axe. Lyn rabbit punched the bandit and then kicked him between the legs. After all, that was painful enough for the bandit. But Sain showed off and killed him while he was humiliated, and he took the credit. Lyn hit him for that. After all, SHE was the one to kill the bandits, not him. Kent was struggling with the leader and fell off of his horse and ran to the other bandits. After the battle, Kent gave a heroic speech, but the tactician was the only one to hear it as the other two had fallen asleep. The four set off for camp and Lyn was forced to tie Sain down to stop him from hopping in her sleeping bag. Lyn sighed. It would be a long journey to Caelin, after all, she was going to visit the grandfather she never met, but she erased the doubts. She knew she would be able to kill plenty of bandits and other assorted perverts and idiots along the way.

END my first two maps.

This will likely be edited and replaced with something longer and better, but please just tell me what you think! I really want this to go far!

AUTHOR NOTE: I will also accept -Some- characters that are actual classes in Fire Emblem 7, but not severely overpowered, please. I need to make it fair. And you will likely appear as a green (neutral) unit and leave, though may reappear if you're a great reviewer.

Review, or else my cat loses his blankie to the very mean insurance company ;.; It pays the bills, reviews, and Boots likes his blankie:)


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